today we were supposed to bring an item for the burden basket
something bio degradable that represents
a burden we are carrying in our hearts
for me i chose this flower--one i've run or walked by
zillions and zillions of times
on campus and on my jogs
both davis and here where i live now
i brought this flower because of what it represents
something pretty from afar
that was my burden
i say 'pretty from afar'
specifically because
of how that 'prettiness'
is overpowered
by its awful-ness
up close
this particular flower/tree
emits such a terrible odor
that can be smelled, not just up close really
but wafting down campus paths littered with these misleading blossoms
from afar they look like clouds
airy, put together, stress free
from afar they look pretty
attractive, pleasant
even if you get a closer look
without opening your sense of smell
they look so delicate
pristine, white, pure
my burden was the fear
of how much i felt i could identify with this flower
i have been so caught up
with looking
"pretty from afar"
and with a closer look,
with a little sharing
ill try to paint
delicate or pure
when really,
i feel weak and naive
at times
artificial
i have put all my efforts
in being as pretty as possible
from afar
because i dont know if i can handle
people getting any closer than that
seeing any closer than that
because im afraid
that if they were to come
up close
they would only be
disappointed--no, repulsed
at what they'd find
the unattractive
burdensome
pieced together
me
something i had to hide
that day i wanted to release in the burden basket
the burden of thinking that my identity stopped there
that i was that flower that could only be appreciated or recognized from afar
but up close, would be rejected, repelling others with my terrible scent
my burden was the idea
was that i could only be pretty from afar
because up close
i was ugly
i know this is a burden
i have let go once
but i also know that this is a burden
i will have to let go of
again and again and again
the insecurities will come in waves
and ill afraid i've let someone in too close
i want to believe that i am more than what i can present from afar
or from the outside
i want to believe that i am of worth
without needing to hide who i am
in a pristine mask of put together-ness
and 'independence'
that serves only to isolate me
in my hoax of pretending
i am fine on my own
i lay this burden down
and i will, again and again and again
not just in a symbolic basket or idea
but at His feet.
i pray that little by little
i can believe
that i am more than all i can piece together myself to be
that maybe up close
i am pretty
or can be
that maybe up close
or letting people get
that close
can feel a little less unsafe
Lord, please help me to see myself
for who You made me to be
not just pretty from afar
from pieced together scraps of pretending
but instead
a beautiful masterpiece
a creation that belongs to You.
